Gorilla in Therapy

I read an article this morning about Patrick, the 430-pound Gorilla, who has had some ‘behavioural’ issues around other Gorillas, and who is now being moved to the Riverbanks Zoo in South Carolina known for working with gorillas with behaviour problems.

The story goes that Patrick, who was born in captivity (Bronx Zoo, 1990), gets along just fine with humans, but not his own kind. The Zoo where he’s lived for the past 18 years said they have tried repeatedly to socialize him with the other gorillas, particularly the females, in the hopes that he might get along and even breed. Instead, he bit one female and sneered and nipped at others. Patrick was more tolerant of other male gorillas but seemed only to engage with Jabari, who was shot to death by Dallas police after he escaped in 2004 and injured three people.

I’m not a shrink, but the problem seems obvious- Patrick is gay and has been watching Jungle Book a few too many times. He needs a good doze of Gorilla-Prozac and get over Jabari. Oh, it would also help if somebody could explain to him that King Louie is a cartoon figure.

Chile’s strategy to fighting Global Warming

Chile's government wants men in the South American country to take off their ties to help fight global warming, hoping the campaign will save on air conditioning as summer starts in the southern hemisphere.


"Let's all take our ties off this summer to save energy," Economy Minister Pablo Longueira says in television spots airing around the country.


In the commercial, he undoes the knot of his pink and white tie and whips it off with gusto, unbuttoning the top of his shirt and smiling. A tie-less energy minister and other senior government officials also appear in the TV spot.


I often find it hard to argue with simple solutions, and it really doesn’t get any simpler than this. From a problem solving and budgeting perspective it seems like the ideal solution- low cost (for all parties) and easy to both implement and enforce.

I can already hear Chile’s 3rd Nobel Prize knockin’…

Kids call it as they see it!

This morning I was watching a news segment about the well-known North Korean dictator who passed away only a few days ago when my son interrupted me:

Son: What are you watching?
Me: Kim Jong Il
Son: Yeah? What happened to him?
Me: He died
Son: Died? You jut said he was ill! Which is it?

The (im)balance of Water

I had a discussion with a recently divorced friend of mine the other day. I made the statement that the 21^st century has certainly started without any traces of balance- we spend the first decade in severe drought only to enter the second decade with an overabundance of water and severe flooding. Is the weather god making up for the shortages from the first decade?

He was quiet for a second and said that he knew this to be true- he was married in 1999, had a ‘playful’ life until they entered the year 2000 and the ‘fun’ dried up due to pregnancy. The ‘drought’ got progressively worse during the following 9 years or so until they finally got divorced.

By sheer coincidence he ran into his ex-wife on a New Year’s eve party and they haven’t stopped the rainmaking since. Has the weather god got something to do with this too? (if she does, have her call me!)

To make matters ‘worse’(?), this sudden flooding has resulted in him receiving a written warning at work for being late three consecutive days and for being too tired during work hours.

When it rains it really pours!!!

Leaving the Canberra Winter behind

A few more hours of work still and then straight home to pack for a 7 week holiday! Dubai, Sweden and Lebanon are all on the menu and sure feels like it’s been too long since we were there last.

Family, friends and customs officials beware- we’re on our way.

What cleavage size?

The Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand recently undertook a study to find out what size breasts men liked best- small, medium or large. The findings were overwhelmingly in favour of...breasts!

The conclusion was that men simply like breasts and that size was of little importance. The way I see it, any simple heterosexual male could have told them that and saved them both the money and trouble. Then again, the actual study could have been interesting.

"He's got horrible luck"

Last week a 26-year-old party-goer in Germany pushed his luck a bit too far. In between dancing ‘sessions’ the man decided he needed a bit of a ‘pick up’ and began lining up amphetamine on the roof of a car in a disco car park without checking the car first.

Unfortunately he had no idea that the on-the-outside normal looking vehicle belonged to the police, and just as he was about to take the powdered drugs he was surprised by two police officers, who by sheer coincidence, were walking by their parked car.

The local police spokesman referred to the man by simply stating that "He's got horrible luck".

Lesson to be learned here I think: before lining your stuff up on a car- always smash the window of the car to ensure it doesn’t have a police radio!!!

Who are they open for?

It’s a pretty well-known fact that I don’t like shopping at any time, but I particularly hate going on Saturdays which seems to be the particular time of the week when the entire population goes too.

So, I’ve been trying to figure out why the shoppers aren’t spread out more evenly over the remaining weekdays:

The standard office hours in Australia are 9.00 AM to 5.30 PM, which are also the opening hours for shops in all the malls. Since most people are working between those hours it’s clear to me that the shops must be open for another targeted group of shoppers other than the working Australians.

So who is group? The only people I can think of are retirees and unemployed people both whom from what I read in the media they barely have money to survive...or so they tell the Government. And although I haven’t double checked the latest statistics from the Australian Bureau of Statistics, I think these two groups only make up for roughly 16% of the population.

So back to square one- who the hell are they open for?!?

I’m pretty sure that they would double their sales if they were open from say 10.00 AM to 6.30 PM instead!

I’d shop more.

I'd work for this guy

Help wanted: registered voter with a conscience for position on the Chicago City Council. Salary $110,556 a year. Ex-felons need not apply.

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley decided to take a different approach to fill two vacancies on the city's 50-member city council, posting a notice on the city's website listing qualifications for the job.

Candidates should be registered voters, have lived in the ward for a least a year and provide three letters of recommendation attesting to their community involvement. No current politicians, tax delinquents or anyone convicted of any "infamous crime, bribery, perjury or other felony" need apply.

One vacancy was created when the previous office-holder pleaded guilty to illegally accepting favors from a developer.

The aldermanic appointments will be the mayor's 34th and 35th, and he has indicated he is fed up with the high rate of malfeasance in the council.

"You've got to start somewhere," Daley spokesman Lance Lewis said. "We want to encourage residents who are interested to apply."

Showing my true age

As some of you may now it’s my birthday today- 36 years young! Or perhaps I should say 36 years old- at least if I was to listen to my wife. Last week when asked what I wanted for my birthday I quickly replied “Good kids and a happy ending”.

My wife shook her head and said that I was “now showing signs of old age”, and continued by asking if my life was really that hard.

Guess it’s true what they say- you enjoy the simple pleasures more the older you get.

One small book title, a giant range of possible angles

As many of you are aware I’m a pretty keen reader, and I often seek out the slightly odd topics to read about. The other day whilst trolling through amazon.com I came across a book title that really got my attention, “Ten Stupid Things That Keep Churches from Growing”.

My mind started racing thinking about the vast number of potential angles a book with that title could have- some, I’m sure, not exactly complimentary for the Church! For me, the number of comic alternatives seemed to dominate.

Of course I had to buy it- curiosity simply got the better of me!!!

A well planned retirement

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up, so the Zoo

Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day - for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name...

Objectophilia – Rhino Style

Jango the Rhino, a resident at the Schoenbrunn Zoo in Vienna, openly displayed his love for a car last week. The car, which is part of an art expo and located in a pond at the zoo, received some tender and caring attention from the apparently love crank horned animal.

I wasn’t long, howver, before Jango got carried away and started humping the red defenless vehicle. One can only speculate what the offspring will look like.

Now, I shouldn’t go on critizing the poor creature- I get similar feelings when seeing an Aston Martin.

Even I like the Chinese at times

A man in southern China has been taken into police custody after pushing a would-be suicide jumper off a bridge frequented by people threatening to end their lives.
Lai Jiansheng was detained by police for pushing a man named Chen off the bridge in Guangzhou city that has been the site of 12 suicide attempts since the beginning of April.

None of the suicide attempts have been successful, but traffic over the bridge has been jammed for hours during each attempt as police sought to talk the people out of ending their lives.

Upset with the traffic delay, Lai broke through the police cordon on the bridge, walked up to Chen and shook his hand before pushing him off the bridge. "I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their actions violate a lot of public interests," Lai was quoted saying.

Police said that with each suicide attempt, the city had to send police, firemen, rescue vessels and an ambulance.

I have a feeling there will be a significant decrease in jumpers from this bridge!

Ladies- The perfect gift to a man that won’t even cost you a cent

A woman in North Carolina decided to give her husband something different for his 40th birthday. She states that she struggled for some time to come up with something special, but one day whilst participating in a bible study group, she got the ingenious idea.

She promised her husband sex every night for a whole year! I’m sure I speak for the majority of married men when I say that this is truly the ultimate present. The response “it’s just what I always wanted” springs to mind when thinking about an appropriate thing to say when thanking for such a gift.

Not only the ultimate gift, but also ideal for those on a [financial] budget. Perhaps something to consider given the global economic climate?!

Can we also give special thanks to God for giving her the ‘inspiration’. Perhaps the old man upstairs is finally giving us married men a break!

How do they know?

I keep getting emails containing information about how I can please my girlfriend twice as much and twice as long, along with ways for me to stay harder longer.

How do they know? I have a girlfriend?!?

A potential solution for a stressful life

Yesterday I ran into my former boss who was clearly stressed and looked like the world was resting on his shoulders. I asked about work and family to which he replied:

“I’m submitting a motion to Parliament proposing 30 hour days. Don’t know how else to get everything done”

What a great idea!

It made me giggle!

The other day I was having a chat on FB with a friend I haven’t seen for years. At one time we were very close and I can recall our parents and many friends commenting that they thought it odd us being so close without actually dating.

We began talking about the ‘good old days’ and after a few ‘truths’ we suddenly discovered that we both had mad crushes on each other at the time. When we reached the inevitable question as to why we didn’t say anything to each other or act on our feelings, it all got a bit awkward and embarrassing- I always thought I was one of the cool kids!

To realise how far off the mark I was some 22 years later was both disturbing and amusing all wrapped up in one! Couldn’t help laughing at it though.

Just can’t help it!

I’m usually good at walking away or tuning out when someone in my presence is a complete wanker- I simply don’t have the time and energy to deal with such people, or better yet, I choose not to deal with them.

It saddens and frustrates me when I find myself overcome with a burning desire to contribute to orthopaedic case studies by rearranging someone’s anatomy!

The guy didn’t even know how close he came to being ‘famous’...what a shit day!

Flying Buffalo – A new species

The other day at the office we were talking about pub food and I mentioned that I really miss the US Buffalo Wings.

One of our employees looked at me with a bit of hesitation and said- “I never realised there were buffalos with wings”!

Nor did I!