Masters of Philisophy

I have always been a fan of quotes of great wisdom and intelligence- the type of quotes that live on forever, provokes intelligent debates, inspires and moves people, and brings immortality to the authors of such quotes.

I mean, how can you deny the pure genius of quotes such as “I am indebted to my father for living, but to my teacher for living well” (Alexander the Great), or “Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old” (Franz Kafka), or perhaps even “From error to error, one discovers the entire truth” (Sigmund Freud), and arguably the greatest of all “In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher” (Dalai Lama)...really, I can go on forever!

These insightful geniuses and master philosophers have certainly earned their rightful place in history, and I think it’s time we induct yet another connoisseur of the art of philosophy into this highly esteemed hall of immortality.

I am referring to a man so great and inspiring that I once even considered trying to buy the Mad Cow virus on the black market. This oratorical master has blessed the world with more legendary quotes than what could fit on a 500Gb hard drive, so I went through the gruesome and difficult task of selcting a few that most certainly will go down in history:

“There are two places to find the truth. First God and then Fox News”
“It's not nice to talk about crazy people behind their backs”
“With all that's going on in the world these days, who among us hasn't wanted to take an axe to a priest?”
“Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul”

and the one I heard on tonight’s episode:

“It’s better to want something you don’t have rather than to have something you don’t want”

Truly inspiring words. Nietzsche, Pythagoras, Voltaire and Mackie- all masters of their own time, and in our time there is a new master and his name is- Denny Crane

Habits that cracks me up

The thing that really fascinates me are all those strange and sometimes hilarious behaviours, habits and conditions. Whilst watching an episode of Boston Legal last night I learnt about Objectophilia (expressing love for an object, even sexually) which had me in stitches! I did read something about this a few weeks ago in an article about this guy having sex (in the exhaust) with an old car, but I was too busy laughing rather than paying attention to the actual condition.

My colleague, who has no bizarre conditions or syndromes that I am aware of, does have a very strange habit- putting tape on his face, ears and lips and then pulling it off! He’ll go through a roll in a week or two without using even a single inch for its intended purpose.

I have asked him many times why he does it but I usually get an empty stare. Today, however, I got an interesting reply- “my lips are dry and the tape helps me take the dry skin off”. This curious answer made me ask him what the reason was all the other days, but again an empty stare.

His theory is interesting though- what if it works? I have seen beauty parlours sell very expensive nose strips to remove black-heads so perhaps he’s on to something- a cheaper option perhaps? Either way, putting pieces of clear tape on your ears, forehead and cheeks does look bizarre yet immensely funny- who am I to stop this harmless little habit of his?

Generations X, Y, and...F(?)

I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself an expert on the subject but rather a keen and reasonably educated student of the characteristics of the different generations currently found in our workforce. In fact, I’ve even written a paper on the subject which when converted to an essay for my MBA earned me a Distinction with a symbolic ‘+’ added for extra effect- thank you Professor M for that inspirational and highly motivational gesture.

What strikes me about the different generations is just how different they really are, particularly as far as values and behaviour is concerned. But let’s not delve into the various characteristics but rather focus on the emergence of a new generation- Generation F.

Proudly brought to us by our friends at the Equal Opportunity for Women in the Workplace Agency (EOWA), whom I suspect is the new generation (pardon the pun) of the former Office of Status of Women of the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet.

I would be the first male to admit that women are special, in fact I would even be the first to celebrate that very fact. That said, I have yet to figure out why this selected group of women are so desperate to shove this already established fact down peoples’ throats at the expense of tax payers.

Regardless, these idealists obviously needed to justify their existence and therefore commissioned a consulting firm to assist them in establishing a new marketable product to ‘sell’. Voila, I give you Generation F.

On page 3 of this 36 page publication EOWA has included the definition which reads as follows:
“Generation F are women in the Australian workforce, including women wishing to return to work, who are aged between 16 and 65 years”. Pretty broad and non-specific, isn’t it?

It is further followed by quite a brilliant sales pitch: “Present across Baby Boomer, X and Y generations, Generation F are employers’ main solution to the nation’s proliferating skills shortage. Harnessing their skills, commitment and experience will help organisations to secure effective and sustainable workforces”. Yep, clearly the ultimate solution to our skills shortage crisis!

So here’s the $64.000 question- why on earth do women need their own Generation? Are they really being discriminated against in today’s modern workforce? Assuming that this is how they feel- why would they themselves discriminate against other women?

I personally have female acquaintances at the ages of 15 and 68 that are still part of the workforce- why exclude them? Don’t these women have enough oestrogen to qualify for this exclusive club? Also, would the Baby Boomers, Generations X and Y therefore only consist of men, or are there sub Generations, e.g. Generation XF?

I have been called many things in my days, which includes ‘chauvinistic pig’ and perhaps there is some truth to that. I have, however, reached a point where I seriously question these women’s’ motives and why they insist on wasting mine and other taxpayers money on inventing pointless new labels.

My message to these individuals is therefore- equality is here and hopefully for good- pick up your game and enjoy the opportunities instead of trying annoy regular people and embarrass those women who do not consider further labelling necessary or productive.

The father of LSD on the longest trip

After 71 years of tripping, the Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann departed on the longest trip of all. The man often called the ‘father of LSD’ passed away at the age of 102.

Hippies along with many artists, musicians and authors are paying tribute to the man who for so many years granted them the ability to see colours, creatures and demons invisible to others.

Shaggy and Scooby Doo are said to be in complete shock over the death of their ‘family physician’, as is Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) and the bats.

One wonders if Stephen King shouldn’t have paid a commission to Dr Hofmann after all the inspiration and subsequent success he’s experienced. I refuse to believe anyone could come up with such stories and creatures without a little help from Dr Hofmann’s ol’ medicine.

Marcus turns 6 y.o.

It’s my son’s 6th birthday today. Can’t believe it’s been that long since he decided to pop out.

I did say “that long”, but when I think about it I’m not sure whether that accurately describes how I feel. Part of me feels like he’s always been around (“that long”) but another part feels like it was yesterday- can’t decide which feeling is the dominant one.

Regardless, my life has certainly changed since he graced us with his presence:
1. My vocabulary has changed. 50% of my spoken words include NO, DON’T, STOP, and MARCUS,
2. I have less hair,
3. My hearing is worse,
4. My nerves are shakier,
5. I am more suspicious- just because someone says they’ve finished something doesn’t mean they have,
6. I wake up earlier on weekend mornings- simple philosophy, if he can’t sleep no-one else should either,
7. I have a VIP card at my local optometrist as a result of having to have bought around 30 new glasses and sunglasses,
8. I spend more time looking for items such as mobile phone, keys, wallet, etc. The “I last put it on the table, so it must still be there” approach to finding things has been superseeded by “where could the little bastard have put it” approach,

9. I expect the worst,

10. My total cleaning time has increased by 400%, and
11. The bulk of movies I watch in the movie theatres are now PG.

but…

I have more love in my life! Happy birthday son!

Buying a new Mobile Phone- Demon, be gone!

As you may recall, I have experienced some hurdles in my pursuit of buying a new mobile phone. The Vodafone ‘expert’ lost out on the sale for reason you already know and Telstra lost out simply for being Telstra.

Time got critical as the demon in my current phone was taking the whole possession thing to a whole new level- the phone has a life of its own.

So rather than going to a store and talk to speech-impaired sales geniuses I got on eBay to have a look at some options. I immediately found a phone that looked interesting and as the seller, who also appeared to be a power seller, had a shop in Sydney I decided to give them a call. I was placed on hold for a few minutes which certainly did not impress me, but I figured a little patience could go along way. I got three kids- I know this to be true!!!

When a ‘living’ person finally answered, I asked if they had the particular phone in stock, to which the answer was “yes”. I then proceeded by asking him if he could tell me a bit about the phone to which he said “sure”, and started with the following information: “you can make calls on all networks both in Australia and overseas…”. I stopped him right there and said “Done”! That’s all I wanted to know, really.

My new phone will be here tomorrow- so on Friday I will be taking my current phone to the local Catholic Church for an exorcism and subsequent disposal!

A lesson to be learned for all you overly-pierced Vodafone ‘experts. Then again, perhaps I’m the old-fashioned fart who needs to get with times?! (Customer is always right though)

Annoying Human Behavioural Phenomenon

It’s a human behavioural phenomenon I’ve never been able to fully understand- why do people complain and make such a big deal out of a particular TV show they thought was sooooo bad and that made them sooooo upset, or a particular scene that was soooo disgraceful, and they can’t believe that Station in question could put it to air, etc, etc?

Change the bloody channel!!! How hard can it be? If you order a steak in a restaurent but you simply don’t like the sauce, do you attack the chef?!?

This behaviour has been mastered by a particularly annoying co-worker of mine who hates pretty much everything I stand for. She has called me many things including: communist, fascist, racist, devil-worshipper, Tibet hater (that was the most recent one), chauvinist, anarchist, cold hearted asshole and Canadian (and shame on her for that one!).

Although she quite clearly hates my opinions, she religiously reads my blog! She also makes it her business to send me emails telling me how wrong and evil I am, and sometimes even come by my office to tell me in person.

Most people will testify to the fact that I am the type of person who appreciates a good debate, even a heated one, with a range of opinions- but this is just sad and ridiculous.

So lady, change the bloody channel!!!

Desperately seeking Rambo

This morning myself and my kids got ready to watch the ANZAC parade coverage on TV. As a die-hard fan of all war things my son was extra excited to watch the marching soldiers. Unfortunately for him, his day was pretty much squashed two and a half minutes into the coverage as his idea of soldiers is quite different to what he witnessed.

He wants grenades, tanks, face paint, camouflage, bloodstains, 42 inch knives, M16's and big-ass Rambo type scars.

As with most memorial type parades the reality was quite different- old guys (many in wheelchairs) with berets, a long rack medals and colostomy bags. He basically thought it sucked and went back to his bedroom in protest!

Myself, I was waiting for the nurses, but as it turned out most of them were from the Navy- saw that last year at the Sydney Mardi Gras parade, though with less rainbow coloured flags this time.

Need to have a word with the organisers.