Buying a new Mobile Phone- Demon, be gone!

As you may recall, I have experienced some hurdles in my pursuit of buying a new mobile phone. The Vodafone ‘expert’ lost out on the sale for reason you already know and Telstra lost out simply for being Telstra.

Time got critical as the demon in my current phone was taking the whole possession thing to a whole new level- the phone has a life of its own.

So rather than going to a store and talk to speech-impaired sales geniuses I got on eBay to have a look at some options. I immediately found a phone that looked interesting and as the seller, who also appeared to be a power seller, had a shop in Sydney I decided to give them a call. I was placed on hold for a few minutes which certainly did not impress me, but I figured a little patience could go along way. I got three kids- I know this to be true!!!

When a ‘living’ person finally answered, I asked if they had the particular phone in stock, to which the answer was “yes”. I then proceeded by asking him if he could tell me a bit about the phone to which he said “sure”, and started with the following information: “you can make calls on all networks both in Australia and overseas…”. I stopped him right there and said “Done”! That’s all I wanted to know, really.

My new phone will be here tomorrow- so on Friday I will be taking my current phone to the local Catholic Church for an exorcism and subsequent disposal!

A lesson to be learned for all you overly-pierced Vodafone ‘experts. Then again, perhaps I’m the old-fashioned fart who needs to get with times?! (Customer is always right though)

Annoying Human Behavioural Phenomenon

It’s a human behavioural phenomenon I’ve never been able to fully understand- why do people complain and make such a big deal out of a particular TV show they thought was sooooo bad and that made them sooooo upset, or a particular scene that was soooo disgraceful, and they can’t believe that Station in question could put it to air, etc, etc?

Change the bloody channel!!! How hard can it be? If you order a steak in a restaurent but you simply don’t like the sauce, do you attack the chef?!?

This behaviour has been mastered by a particularly annoying co-worker of mine who hates pretty much everything I stand for. She has called me many things including: communist, fascist, racist, devil-worshipper, Tibet hater (that was the most recent one), chauvinist, anarchist, cold hearted asshole and Canadian (and shame on her for that one!).

Although she quite clearly hates my opinions, she religiously reads my blog! She also makes it her business to send me emails telling me how wrong and evil I am, and sometimes even come by my office to tell me in person.

Most people will testify to the fact that I am the type of person who appreciates a good debate, even a heated one, with a range of opinions- but this is just sad and ridiculous.

So lady, change the bloody channel!!!

Desperately seeking Rambo

This morning myself and my kids got ready to watch the ANZAC parade coverage on TV. As a die-hard fan of all war things my son was extra excited to watch the marching soldiers. Unfortunately for him, his day was pretty much squashed two and a half minutes into the coverage as his idea of soldiers is quite different to what he witnessed.

He wants grenades, tanks, face paint, camouflage, bloodstains, 42 inch knives, M16's and big-ass Rambo type scars.

As with most memorial type parades the reality was quite different- old guys (many in wheelchairs) with berets, a long rack medals and colostomy bags. He basically thought it sucked and went back to his bedroom in protest!

Myself, I was waiting for the nurses, but as it turned out most of them were from the Navy- saw that last year at the Sydney Mardi Gras parade, though with less rainbow coloured flags this time.

Need to have a word with the organisers.

The Perfect Job for the Perfect Recruiter

The other day a somewhat unusual job ad was placed at a village post office in UK: Found: drinking companions to join elderly gentleman for a friendly beer at his local pub.

The guy who placed the ad got absolutely bombarded with offers for someone to accompany his 88-year-old father Jack on visits to a southern England pub from a nursing home.

He offered the lucky winner £7 an hour plus expenses and, after sifting through the applicants, decided on a job-share arrangement. Drinking duties are to be divided between a retired doctor and a former military man. "Dad's now going to be going down to the pub several times a week- three with his new friends and twice with me" the guy said.

As some of you know I will shortly embark on a journey into the recruitment industry and I figure I’d be a damn fine recruiter for finding quality drinking buddies for people. Like they say- “it takes one to know one”. Love the job-sharing idea too.

Now taking job orders...

It’s good to be the [future] King!

I keep reading in the news about Prince Williams’ helicopter landing in his girlfriend’s backyard and the amount of sleep some people appear to be losing. What’s the big deal?

I was once a keen heterosexual young bloke (of which some I still am) and the first thing I would do after getting new wheels was to swing by my girlfriend’s to impress her socks off, and if lucky gain some quality time.

And really, the guy will be King- it's his military. Would you complain if Sir Richard Branson landed one of his planes on his private landing strip? I think not.

A King is King is King…

I think I may be a Victim!

Police in Congo recently arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises. Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

Kinshasa's Police Chief said: “when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent.

That made me think that perhaps I’ve been ‘affected’ too. Everyday I receive emails from strangers who tell me that I need a penis enlargement. I don’t know who they are or how they know, but I suspect something must have happened in that Sydney cab in November last year.

Considering the residents’ cash extortion theory quoted above, touching someone penis may no longer be a case of sexual harassment but rather a shrewd direct marketing strategy?!? Who knew?

Buying a new Mobile Phone- Strike 1

After a long and frustrating battle with a mobile phone which I suspect is possessed by a drunken demon, I decided to purchase a new one. I went down to my local Vodafone store where I was greeted by a young and quite spunky sales assistant with a make-up job I have not experienced since my days of hanging out at various drag-show clubs in Florida.

She was quite polite, although I struggled to understand her due to her very recent second(!) tongue piercing which she proudly showed me. When all the ‘formalities’ were concluded she suggested that we should move on to the real reason I was there, to purchase a new phone.

So the first and very obvious question from an up-and-coming mobile phone sales expert was “what kind of phone you want and what do you want it to do?” I was quite startled by the “what do you want it to do” part of the question, and as a person with a deep appreciation for sarcasm and smartarse remarks, I could instantly feel the sensation of a million possible replies surfing on my now giant brain waves- it was just a bit too easy though.

So I simply told her that I was interested in a phone I could make phone calls on. Silence. I can’t remember the last time I’ve received such an empty stare and I could quite clearly see how the silence was making her uneasy, but really, as far as I was concerned it was her turn to speak.

She finally composed herself, fixed one of her fake eye-lashes and pointed to a new Nokia. “This one has a 5 megapixel camera, bluetooth, mp3 and mp4 player, TV and FM tuner, a GPS and 18 pre-installed games”. Since she hadn’t told me whether this Nokia ‘phone’ had the particular feature so important to me, I saw no other choice but to ask her whether I could make phone calls on it.

This question was obviously too much for her (perhaps she didn’t know the answer) so she asked me to leave the store and informed me as-a-matter-of-fact that “she didn’t get paid enough to deal with assholes like me”. I left.

Whether the new Nokia could make phone calls, I guess I’ll never know. I still have my old drunken demon phone.

Demanding Taxpayers

During an interview with the Today show, Australia’s recently elected PM Kevin Rudd, said: “we are under huge pressure to implement our election promises.”

Oh no- say it ain’t so!

Want Premier League tickets for free? Develop a drug habit!

In today’s edition of the Daily Mail newspaper in UK there is an article on a very unorthodox approach to fighting drugs whilst filling the local soccer stadium- free tickets to Premier League football matches are being handed to drug addicts as an incentive to beat their habit.

I seriously had to look at the date to ensure it was not another April fool’s joke, but nope, there it was, 17 April 2008.

The article described how repeat offenders seeking treatment for their alcohol and drug addictions had gained sought-after tickets to games including this weekend's Newcastle United vs Sunderland derby clash.

A former chief superintendent of Durham Police, was quoted saying: "We have to try to get people back into mainstream society; give them the confidence to mix again with ordinary people. Giving them a ticket to a football match is a way in which they can be reintegrated and in which they can build up confidence in themselves, which can only be a good thing."

The article further explained that the tickets are for people who are overcoming their previous chaotic lifestyle, and are part of a range of support measures used to divert people away from substance abuse.

...and what better place to do this than with a non-chaotic, friendly and moderately drinking group of cuddly UK soccer supporters?!? Considering this offer was also extended to alcoholics, wouldn’t hanging out with keen and accomplished drinkers kind of being like pushing the needle further up the vein?

No wonder UK soccer stadiums are experiencing problems with violent and uncivilized behaviours! Perhaps other sports having problems filling their stadiums should take note?!

Teachers and Parents beware

Two weeks ago nine nine-year-olds at a school in the U.S. state of Georgia brought a broken steak knife, handcuffs and electrical tape to school in a plot to injure their teacher. Teachers uncovered the plot which was set to handcuff the teacher, put tape over her mouth and hit her over the head with the paperweight and possibly cut her. The students spent a week planning the attack and planned to carry it out on the day they were caught.

When I went to primary school the teachers’ union had a slogan that read “If you can read this, thank your teacher”. I think an appropriate slogan for the 21st century should probably read something like “If your teacher retires, she should thank her lucky star”.

My two older kids are now 7 and 6 years old. As a parent I am frequently required to apply appropriate punishments to kids, just like any teacher would be. Since I do not permit my kids to retaliate they are probably bottling it all up for later (or when they turn 9).

Don’t think I will be sleeping with an open door in the future.

Same crime, different punishment

A friend of mine recently got caught for speeding on a country road about an hour outside of Sydney. What he did not realise at the time is that it was the Easter holiday and consequently copped double demerits and fees.

There are laws in Australia where the States charge you with double fines and demerits during certain long holidays. When I first arrived in this country it was briefly explained to me as a way to reduce the number of traffic accidents, since more drivers would be on the roads during these particular periods- well perhaps not more drivers, but certainly more drivers travelling longer distances than normal. Fair enough.

To illustrate how this rather unusual law is applied let’s picture the following:
My friend Joe and I leave our houses at 11pm heading down to the coast to celebrate Christmas. Since I live 5 minutes further away, Joe should in theory arrive 5 minutes before me. At midnight that same evening, the ‘long weekend’ starts and the double demerits and double fees scheme comes into effect.

Joe who is keen to get there puts his foot down just a bit too much and is caught doing 14 kilometres over the speed-limit at 11.57pm. He subsequently loses 3 points off his licence and receives a $79 fine.

Only 5 minutes later at 12.02am I pass the same police radar doing exactly the same speed as Joe was, only now the ‘long weekend’ rules apply. Consequently I lose 6 points and receive a $158 fine! Same crime, different punishment!

Although I personally don’t like to use the word ‘discrimination’, one can wonder whether it wouldn’t be appropriate in this instance. Why should one be punished harder for speeding one day but not the other? I recently read that shoplifting increases by over 1,000 per cent during the month of December, however, I do not believe the punishment for shoplifting is any more severe then than, for example, during the month of August.

Where is the logic?

Tibet 'supporters' using the Olympics for selfish gains

How can these so called Tibet supporters sleep well at night? I try very hard to understand the philosophy behind trying to disrupt the only real world peace event this planet can muster. Although there have been a few occasions in the Olympic's 102 year old history where politics has shown its ugly face, generally speaking the event produces some of the most moving scenes of athletes battling it out on equal terms, completely obliterate to the political mayhem of the world.

I would like to emphasize "equal terms" as it is really what the Olympics is all about- being non-discriminatory. On the day of competing it doesn't matter what country you're from, nor your colour, race or religion, or which country your home country may or may not be at war with- it's all about the best athlete (and of course in some cases, as with Steven Bradbury, the luckiest athlete)!!!

The Olympics is an event where nations and athletes come together to compete in good spirit and celebrate human achievements. To use this as a tool for own political gains is a complete and utter disgrace, and rather than raising a debate whether to boycott the Beijing Olympics, perhaps the topic of debate should be whether to disallow Tibet to participate.

The latter does, however, punish the athletes which is a very unfortunate outcome we should avoid at all cost. I do not condone the alleged breaches of human rights by China, but I don't believe the recent approach taken by these 'supporters' should be hailed as anything but a distasteful and reckless stunt.

I would also like to point out that it would appear that the majority of the people inhabiting this planet are very excited about getting a glimpse of the Olympic flame as it passes through their countries, and that for the very reasons as previously mentioned. So who, I ask, granted these 'supporters' the right to attack this symbol of peace?!

The flame will pass by here in Canberra in the very near future and I look forward to taking my kids to see it and fill them with the values and spirit in which we hold the Olympics.

New recruiter in town

Watch out good people 'cause there is a new recruitment and consulting firm about be launched in ACT. The idea has been bubbling under the surface for quite some time and when the planets finally lined up we made the decision to go ahead with it. The consequence of this is of course that we've now postponed our move to the Middle East, however, we are confident that this is the right move.

Watch this space as I will post further updates as they come available.