Catch 22

Being really tired is one of the worst feelings I know, unless of course you have the kind of life where you can just give in to that feeling and lay to and rest whenever you want or need to.

I find myself in a situation where I am desperate for a break. Unfortunately, given the type of break (Christmas=family holidays with lots of parties) I am afraid I will be even more tired than now when it’s all over.

Seems like a catch 22- I need the break as I’m really tired, but the break will make me exhausted.

Guess the beach, a good book and a cigar will have to wait a few more years. The kids can’t live with us forever- I hope!

More stress and less time with kids

When I was a kid it seemed like our parents had all the time in the world for us, and they never appeared to suffer any kind of stress.

Now when I’m a parent myself, I stress daily over the fact that I don’t feel like I have enough time to spend with my kids. When I raise my concerns over this, the standard response from people is that “younger people are so much busier these days”- bit of a cliché if you ask me.

So let’s analyse this- what are we (‘younger people’) doing today that our parents didn’t do 30 years ago? Sure, we work longer hours than they did, but for what? Material stuff? Well, yes, that is one of the reason my generation works more- regardless how stupid and soulless it may seem.

What else are we doing that take up so much more of our time and stressing us out? The short answer is that I just don’t know! Clearly we are doing something wrong...

Some things never change

When my eldest daughter was born, she had a really big head. 7 years later she still has a big head! Same problem- different reason!

No Incentive to be Good

When I was a kid and went through my confirmation classes I was taught that ‘if you break Gods laws you go to hell’.

Simultaneously, I was taught that if I was truly sorry for my sins then I’d be forgiven and granted access to Heaven. I even remember asking my priest (or Vicar- he was a protestant) if this applied to any sin I’d committed to which he responded that this was the case if I was truly sorry.

So...if I have a bad night and accidently end up shooting 36 people, rape 14 goats and assault 3 beavers and a tree frog, but really regret it, at least on my death bed, I’d be OK and the gates of Heaven will open up for me. I can see why the Devil invented fatal accidents, ‘cause if people had time to regret their sins he’d probably go out of business.

So if all you have to do is be sorry after a life of being bad, then there’s no real incentive to be good, is there?!

Zero Tolerance

Back in the 90’s the then Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani, introduced the ‘zero tolerance’ policy against crimes. This harsh yet highly successful approach to fighting crimes spread like wildfire across the western world, and it would appear as if it has now reached Taiwan.

Only a few days ago a motor scooter rider in central Taiwan was held at gunpoint during a traffic stop for not wearing a safety helmet. After a police car whistled to the scooter to pull over, the officer pulled a gun on the 54-year-old female rider, who was wearing a hat but not a helmet, and ordered her not to move.

I wonder what happens if you run a red light?!?

I received another hate email...

On the 14th of November I wrote about an Islamic preacher who got imprisoned for failing to divorce 82 of his 86 wives. I actually saw the comic side of this and made a comment that implied that a man must be nuts for having 86 wives when 1 seems to be hard work enough.

Little did I know that I would receive hate emails as a result of this- certainly not from two women (have received emails like this in the past though). I will say, however, that I have no regrets about what I wrote and I do not consider myself having insulted Islam.

In fact, in accordance with Sharia (Islamic law) it is illegal to have more than 4 wives, which is what the Preacher got charged and imprisoned for in the first place, so perhaps I’m not the one insulting Islam?!

Regarding my comment- I meant this to be a joke, and since it’s my joke I reserve the right to publish it on my blog- it will not be removed!

The Preacher had 4100% more wives than allowed- that’s the real insult. I thank you, Yasmeen and Taahira, for your comments and concerns.

Rotisserie Australiana

There are many things I love about Australia but the sun isn’t one of them. Well, not necessarily the sun itself but certainly the rays, or perhaps it is the lack of ozone...or a combination of both.

I went beach fishing for a few hours yesterday morning and managed yet again to get seriously sun burnt! We did have some sunscreen (although we ran out) but I find it only protects to certain point. At least I had a long sleeve shirt (at the beach?!) and a hat.

However prepared, the reflection from the ocean and wearing only shorts my face and neck along with my legs and hands now have the same colour as a cooked lobster. A man in this condition could easily lose his sense of humour when putting socks and shoes on!

This has been an ongoing problem, and one summer I decided to hide inside a beach tent where I thought I’d be safe from roasting. Unfortunately my right foot was sticking out so I ended up burning the sole of my foot- didn’t even know you could burn there!

Perhaps my pigmentation is just a little too keen as I can burn in the Australian sun in about 30 minutes. It’s actually become a bit embarrassing and somewhat of a bad joke that I’m not able to play on the beach with my kids nor go swimming for more than 10-15 minutes. Walking around in a tracksuit isn’t my idea of fun at the beach, and besides, even if I did I’d still burn my hands and feet!

A kingdom for a clear and completely waterproof sunscreen spf 10,000 I say!

Thought of the day- Pharmaceutical Conspiracy No 37

Back in the good old 60’s people took LSD to make the world crazy. Now when the world is crazy, people take Prozac to make the world normal.

A Sucker for Punishment?

The authorities in central Niger state charged Mohammed Bello with "insulting religious" creed and "unlawful marriages" after local chiefs and Muslim leaders gave him a September 7, 2008 deadline to comply with Sharia, Islamic law, which allows a man to have no more than four wives.

The 84-year-old Islamic preacher with 86 wives was jailed after he failed to comply to divorce all but four of the women.

I have one wife, whom I’m madly in love with, but she sure is a handful. Having ‘challenging’ wives seems to be a pretty common thing among men these days, so what in the name of God would persuade a man to have 86 of them?!?

In addition, he’s got 170 kids- tough break for Christmas!

Finding Motivation

In my current business (recruitment) I frequently do a lot of work for no pay at all. This can of course put a major dent in your motivation and there are days when you simply can’t get over ‘losses’ worth tens of thousands- occupational hazard they call it.

The real trick is to get the motivation back although a particular strategy or approach may not work every time. So you have to look for new things or ways to make it happen.

I had a couple of those days recently where nothing worked. My eldest daughter looked at me and asked what my problem was (cheeky little shit) to which I explained that I lost some money at work.

She immediately slapped in the face and told me to "get over it".

I think the shock of my daughter slapping me must have worked ‘cause I’m back to my normal self.

I guess sometimes you don’t need to look hard for motivation- it could be right in front of you!

Public Humiliation – A New or Returning Trend for Punishment?

Shanghai police will post photos and videos of jaywalkers in newspapers and on TV in a bid to shame them out of breaking traffic rules. Offending pedestrians, moped riders and cyclists would be snapped at selected intersections and their images put in regular columns and on special television programs set up by police. A local lawyer was quoted saying "It's a principle of law that a penalty should match the seriousness of the crime".

Jaywalking is a way of life in major Chinese cities, where crossing roads legally can be a hair-raising battle of nerves with oncoming cars disinclined to give way to pedestrians. Traffic police recorded 7.78 million jaywalking violations at Shanghai intersections in the first eight months of 2008.

The scheme had come under fire from lawyers who said public humiliation was too steep a punishment for jaywalking and warned of defamation lawsuits against police.

The interesting thing about all this is that during the 1700 and 1800’s similar punishments were very common in Northern Europe- the log punishment, whereby the person being punished has his or her legs firmly shackled in logs and placed outside the church door along the roadside for public inspection, or the pillory which consisted of hinged wooden boards that formed holes through which the head and/or various limbs were inserted and the boards locked together to secure the captive. These pillories were set up in marketplaces and crossroads to hold petty criminals, often with a placecard detailing the crime nearby.

They do say that fashion is cyclical and it would seem that this is also the case for public humiliation as punishment. Then again- the British tabloids have been around for awhile so perhaps it’s not a new or reoccurring trend after all.

Business Opportunity for New Yorkers

The global economic pressures are evidently not sparing anyone, and if you don’t believe me, well, here's the proof- the price of rat meat(!!!) in Cambodia has quadrupled in the past year from 31 cents to $1.28 per kg. Who saw that coming?

In addition to expensive rat meat, Cambodia is currently experiencing high unemployment, whilst the City of New York has twenty times the amount of rats than humans- a real problem for NY.

So I had a thought- send 2,000 Cambodians to NY for two months to chase rats (=job creation and solving rat-overpopulation problem), let them keep keep/eat 5% of all rats caught (=food and supplementary income) and send them to Cambodia for 50 cents a kg.

New Yorkers would get rid of the rats and in the process make some extra money to...I don’t know- polish the Statue of Liberty or something. Guess I don’t need to spell out the benefits for Cambodia?!

We should all pressure our Governments to think outside the square. I mean, think about it- who would have ever thought about importing labour to fix a serious problem, which would in turn lead to exports to a country in demand of such a sought-after commodity as rat meat?!?

Is Public Nudity Effective?

I just read an article (and watched the TV clip) in the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet, about two women showering naked right smack in the middle of Stockholm’s central square. They claim they did to raise awareness for the environment, animal welfare and for the poor people of the world.

One of the two showering activists was quoting how many litres of water it took to produce 1 kg of meat and how many showers that equalled annually. The sign on their very minimal shower screen called people to clear their conscience and become a vegetarian.

Is this effective you ask? Well, I for one agree that taking your clothes off is a highly effective way to get attention. In this particular case, however, I think it may have had a slightly different effect, as I am quite sure the majority of the male spectator got a real hunger for flesh

Future Olympic Sports?

On Thursday my creative sister published some suggestions relating to how to improve the Olympics and make sports more interesting (see link on the right- How to Open a Coconut).

Her suggestion focussed on combining existing sports thereby making them more challenging and entertaining.

These included:
• 100 m Fencing
• Synchronised Swim Boxing (two teams of synchronised swimmers would launch team members wearing boxing gloves at the other team to try to disturb their routine)
• Underwater Hurdles
• Synchronised Ski-jump Shooting
• Triple Javelin Jump
• Ice Tennis

I got inspired by this and came up with a few suggestions myself:
• Triple pole vault jump
• Canoe archery
• 400m high jump (instead of hurdles set the high jump bar at 2m)
• Basketball Tae Kwon Do (full contact basketball)
• Underwater wrestling (truly a test of strenght, stamina and holding your breath)
• Ski jump discus (throw the disc while in the air)

...and for the real challenge- synchronised Triathlon.

I did have a bit of a chuckle when I thought of how funny it would look to combine hockey and equestrian, only to realise that the English already invented Polo...

Sunday drivers

I find driving to work in the mornings the most frustrating time of the day.

I looked up the word ‘Rush’ in a dictionary: ‘to move, act, or progress with speed, impetuosity, or violence’.

They call it ‘Rush hour’ for a reason. Canberra drivers- LOOK IT UP!

Choose your words carefully around a six year-old

A few months ago my kids got a small aquarium with 4 fish from their aunt. Despite my warnings they struggle with the concept of only feeding them twice daily, so the fish have all gotten a bit ‘overweight’.

Last week one of the fish died so my wife flushed him. When my son discovered that one fish was missing I told him that “the fish ate himself to death”.
My son’s yaw dropped and he asked- “how could the fish eat himself?”

The grass is greener...

A friend of mine said something really funny the other day-
“I believe the grass is greener on the other side because my asshole neighbour is ignoring the city’s water restrictions”

Aim High!

Last week I had a 22 year old school drop-out applying for a CFO role that we advertised. His most recent jobs include stacking shelves at a local grocery store, 4 months as a sales assistant at Radio Shack and 8 months as a truck driver.

When I asked him what relevant qualifications, skills and experience he had he replied that he was great at math in school and that he’s a real go-getter. He also added that he figured a Chief Financial Officer’s role couldn’t be too hard with a sophisticated calculator and that he likes to aim high.

He aimed high alright!

Karma missing the target!

Went to grab some take-out lunch today but discovered to my horror that the restaurant that I had my mind set on was closed for renovations. So I decided to go the restaurant next door which cook similar food and really isn’t bad at all. Well, they were closed too! Don’t know why but I suspect the chef may have been too stoned- she usually smiles at me with a foggy happy smile.

At this point I was pretty irritated and couldn’t be bothered walking around the whole area for something else, so I decided to order some Indian food, ignoring the fact that I don’t really care for it at all.

I was greeted in the normal Indian fashion (referring to the accent and vocabulary) and proceeded to order rice with Beef Vindalu and Tandoori Chicken accompanied by an ice tea. I take out my wallet and the ‘curteous’ little (he was short) Indian man told me it was $16.50 plus $3.00 for the drink. I nearly fell off my chair- figuratively speaking. $16.50 for Indian take-out?!?
He noticed my hesitation and laughingly said “If you would’ve gotten two curries it would only have costed you $10, hahaha”. So I told him that he could have told me this earlier and that it would be the right thing to only charge me $10- particularly since they would not only save on the portions (since I had two curries in the one container) but also a whole serving of rice, to which he [again] laughingly responded that “haha, that is not how it works- it is not my fault...haha...”.

So I did the only honourable thing I could think of and simply told him that he was absolutely right- it was not his fault, followed by a short “kiss my ass” and a quick turn on my heels and headed towards the door. At this point I heard someone in the background yelling “Hello, Sir, Sir, No, come back Sir”. It was the owner, so I stopped. This man, who took politeness to a whole new level, spent the best part of three minutes apologising and calling his nephew many colourful and creative names (son-of-cowdung was my favourite). I was still hungry, so I interrupted him and thanked him for his apology, to which he took the food I had ordered along with the drink and a bag of Indian bread and said “$10 for you Sir, please”. I accepted!

Although I’m not vindictive by nature, I did feel very good when the laughing Mr Cow-dung got his head chewed off by his uncle the Boss. Unfortunately, I’m afraid he got the final laughter as the food was terrible and I had to make myself a sandwich.

Karma, you were so close to getting it right.

The Loss of a Great Man

Yesterday my family and I suffered a great loss with the passing of my Grandfather. Rather than mourning his death I’d like to celebrate his life and the contribution he made- he was man who actually made this world a better place for so many people. His kindness and compassion was unsurpassed and somehow he always seemed to make a lasting impression on the people he met.

I always considered my relationship with him as very special and the hole he leaves in my sole is only filled by the good memories, the kids and grandkids he helped raising. I should be so lucky as to become even half the man he was.

Although sorely missed, I am also relieved that he finally found peace after so many years of pain and suffering. I only hope that my grandmother (whom I do worry about) will seize this ‘freedom’ from being a long-term caretaker and enjoy the rest of her life as best as she’s able.

May he rest in peace!

Masters of Philisophy

I have always been a fan of quotes of great wisdom and intelligence- the type of quotes that live on forever, provokes intelligent debates, inspires and moves people, and brings immortality to the authors of such quotes.

I mean, how can you deny the pure genius of quotes such as “I am indebted to my father for living, but to my teacher for living well” (Alexander the Great), or “Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old” (Franz Kafka), or perhaps even “From error to error, one discovers the entire truth” (Sigmund Freud), and arguably the greatest of all “In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher” (Dalai Lama)...really, I can go on forever!

These insightful geniuses and master philosophers have certainly earned their rightful place in history, and I think it’s time we induct yet another connoisseur of the art of philosophy into this highly esteemed hall of immortality.

I am referring to a man so great and inspiring that I once even considered trying to buy the Mad Cow virus on the black market. This oratorical master has blessed the world with more legendary quotes than what could fit on a 500Gb hard drive, so I went through the gruesome and difficult task of selcting a few that most certainly will go down in history:

“There are two places to find the truth. First God and then Fox News”
“It's not nice to talk about crazy people behind their backs”
“With all that's going on in the world these days, who among us hasn't wanted to take an axe to a priest?”
“Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul”

and the one I heard on tonight’s episode:

“It’s better to want something you don’t have rather than to have something you don’t want”

Truly inspiring words. Nietzsche, Pythagoras, Voltaire and Mackie- all masters of their own time, and in our time there is a new master and his name is- Denny Crane

Habits that cracks me up

The thing that really fascinates me are all those strange and sometimes hilarious behaviours, habits and conditions. Whilst watching an episode of Boston Legal last night I learnt about Objectophilia (expressing love for an object, even sexually) which had me in stitches! I did read something about this a few weeks ago in an article about this guy having sex (in the exhaust) with an old car, but I was too busy laughing rather than paying attention to the actual condition.

My colleague, who has no bizarre conditions or syndromes that I am aware of, does have a very strange habit- putting tape on his face, ears and lips and then pulling it off! He’ll go through a roll in a week or two without using even a single inch for its intended purpose.

I have asked him many times why he does it but I usually get an empty stare. Today, however, I got an interesting reply- “my lips are dry and the tape helps me take the dry skin off”. This curious answer made me ask him what the reason was all the other days, but again an empty stare.

His theory is interesting though- what if it works? I have seen beauty parlours sell very expensive nose strips to remove black-heads so perhaps he’s on to something- a cheaper option perhaps? Either way, putting pieces of clear tape on your ears, forehead and cheeks does look bizarre yet immensely funny- who am I to stop this harmless little habit of his?

Generations X, Y, and...F(?)

I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself an expert on the subject but rather a keen and reasonably educated student of the characteristics of the different generations currently found in our workforce. In fact, I’ve even written a paper on the subject which when converted to an essay for my MBA earned me a Distinction with a symbolic ‘+’ added for extra effect- thank you Professor M for that inspirational and highly motivational gesture.

What strikes me about the different generations is just how different they really are, particularly as far as values and behaviour is concerned. But let’s not delve into the various characteristics but rather focus on the emergence of a new generation- Generation F.

Proudly brought to us by our friends at the Equal Opportunity for Women in the Workplace Agency (EOWA), whom I suspect is the new generation (pardon the pun) of the former Office of Status of Women of the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet.

I would be the first male to admit that women are special, in fact I would even be the first to celebrate that very fact. That said, I have yet to figure out why this selected group of women are so desperate to shove this already established fact down peoples’ throats at the expense of tax payers.

Regardless, these idealists obviously needed to justify their existence and therefore commissioned a consulting firm to assist them in establishing a new marketable product to ‘sell’. Voila, I give you Generation F.

On page 3 of this 36 page publication EOWA has included the definition which reads as follows:
“Generation F are women in the Australian workforce, including women wishing to return to work, who are aged between 16 and 65 years”. Pretty broad and non-specific, isn’t it?

It is further followed by quite a brilliant sales pitch: “Present across Baby Boomer, X and Y generations, Generation F are employers’ main solution to the nation’s proliferating skills shortage. Harnessing their skills, commitment and experience will help organisations to secure effective and sustainable workforces”. Yep, clearly the ultimate solution to our skills shortage crisis!

So here’s the $64.000 question- why on earth do women need their own Generation? Are they really being discriminated against in today’s modern workforce? Assuming that this is how they feel- why would they themselves discriminate against other women?

I personally have female acquaintances at the ages of 15 and 68 that are still part of the workforce- why exclude them? Don’t these women have enough oestrogen to qualify for this exclusive club? Also, would the Baby Boomers, Generations X and Y therefore only consist of men, or are there sub Generations, e.g. Generation XF?

I have been called many things in my days, which includes ‘chauvinistic pig’ and perhaps there is some truth to that. I have, however, reached a point where I seriously question these women’s’ motives and why they insist on wasting mine and other taxpayers money on inventing pointless new labels.

My message to these individuals is therefore- equality is here and hopefully for good- pick up your game and enjoy the opportunities instead of trying annoy regular people and embarrass those women who do not consider further labelling necessary or productive.

The father of LSD on the longest trip

After 71 years of tripping, the Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann departed on the longest trip of all. The man often called the ‘father of LSD’ passed away at the age of 102.

Hippies along with many artists, musicians and authors are paying tribute to the man who for so many years granted them the ability to see colours, creatures and demons invisible to others.

Shaggy and Scooby Doo are said to be in complete shock over the death of their ‘family physician’, as is Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) and the bats.

One wonders if Stephen King shouldn’t have paid a commission to Dr Hofmann after all the inspiration and subsequent success he’s experienced. I refuse to believe anyone could come up with such stories and creatures without a little help from Dr Hofmann’s ol’ medicine.

Marcus turns 6 y.o.

It’s my son’s 6th birthday today. Can’t believe it’s been that long since he decided to pop out.

I did say “that long”, but when I think about it I’m not sure whether that accurately describes how I feel. Part of me feels like he’s always been around (“that long”) but another part feels like it was yesterday- can’t decide which feeling is the dominant one.

Regardless, my life has certainly changed since he graced us with his presence:
1. My vocabulary has changed. 50% of my spoken words include NO, DON’T, STOP, and MARCUS,
2. I have less hair,
3. My hearing is worse,
4. My nerves are shakier,
5. I am more suspicious- just because someone says they’ve finished something doesn’t mean they have,
6. I wake up earlier on weekend mornings- simple philosophy, if he can’t sleep no-one else should either,
7. I have a VIP card at my local optometrist as a result of having to have bought around 30 new glasses and sunglasses,
8. I spend more time looking for items such as mobile phone, keys, wallet, etc. The “I last put it on the table, so it must still be there” approach to finding things has been superseeded by “where could the little bastard have put it” approach,

9. I expect the worst,

10. My total cleaning time has increased by 400%, and
11. The bulk of movies I watch in the movie theatres are now PG.

but…

I have more love in my life! Happy birthday son!

Buying a new Mobile Phone- Demon, be gone!

As you may recall, I have experienced some hurdles in my pursuit of buying a new mobile phone. The Vodafone ‘expert’ lost out on the sale for reason you already know and Telstra lost out simply for being Telstra.

Time got critical as the demon in my current phone was taking the whole possession thing to a whole new level- the phone has a life of its own.

So rather than going to a store and talk to speech-impaired sales geniuses I got on eBay to have a look at some options. I immediately found a phone that looked interesting and as the seller, who also appeared to be a power seller, had a shop in Sydney I decided to give them a call. I was placed on hold for a few minutes which certainly did not impress me, but I figured a little patience could go along way. I got three kids- I know this to be true!!!

When a ‘living’ person finally answered, I asked if they had the particular phone in stock, to which the answer was “yes”. I then proceeded by asking him if he could tell me a bit about the phone to which he said “sure”, and started with the following information: “you can make calls on all networks both in Australia and overseas…”. I stopped him right there and said “Done”! That’s all I wanted to know, really.

My new phone will be here tomorrow- so on Friday I will be taking my current phone to the local Catholic Church for an exorcism and subsequent disposal!

A lesson to be learned for all you overly-pierced Vodafone ‘experts. Then again, perhaps I’m the old-fashioned fart who needs to get with times?! (Customer is always right though)

Annoying Human Behavioural Phenomenon

It’s a human behavioural phenomenon I’ve never been able to fully understand- why do people complain and make such a big deal out of a particular TV show they thought was sooooo bad and that made them sooooo upset, or a particular scene that was soooo disgraceful, and they can’t believe that Station in question could put it to air, etc, etc?

Change the bloody channel!!! How hard can it be? If you order a steak in a restaurent but you simply don’t like the sauce, do you attack the chef?!?

This behaviour has been mastered by a particularly annoying co-worker of mine who hates pretty much everything I stand for. She has called me many things including: communist, fascist, racist, devil-worshipper, Tibet hater (that was the most recent one), chauvinist, anarchist, cold hearted asshole and Canadian (and shame on her for that one!).

Although she quite clearly hates my opinions, she religiously reads my blog! She also makes it her business to send me emails telling me how wrong and evil I am, and sometimes even come by my office to tell me in person.

Most people will testify to the fact that I am the type of person who appreciates a good debate, even a heated one, with a range of opinions- but this is just sad and ridiculous.

So lady, change the bloody channel!!!

Desperately seeking Rambo

This morning myself and my kids got ready to watch the ANZAC parade coverage on TV. As a die-hard fan of all war things my son was extra excited to watch the marching soldiers. Unfortunately for him, his day was pretty much squashed two and a half minutes into the coverage as his idea of soldiers is quite different to what he witnessed.

He wants grenades, tanks, face paint, camouflage, bloodstains, 42 inch knives, M16's and big-ass Rambo type scars.

As with most memorial type parades the reality was quite different- old guys (many in wheelchairs) with berets, a long rack medals and colostomy bags. He basically thought it sucked and went back to his bedroom in protest!

Myself, I was waiting for the nurses, but as it turned out most of them were from the Navy- saw that last year at the Sydney Mardi Gras parade, though with less rainbow coloured flags this time.

Need to have a word with the organisers.

The Perfect Job for the Perfect Recruiter

The other day a somewhat unusual job ad was placed at a village post office in UK: Found: drinking companions to join elderly gentleman for a friendly beer at his local pub.

The guy who placed the ad got absolutely bombarded with offers for someone to accompany his 88-year-old father Jack on visits to a southern England pub from a nursing home.

He offered the lucky winner £7 an hour plus expenses and, after sifting through the applicants, decided on a job-share arrangement. Drinking duties are to be divided between a retired doctor and a former military man. "Dad's now going to be going down to the pub several times a week- three with his new friends and twice with me" the guy said.

As some of you know I will shortly embark on a journey into the recruitment industry and I figure I’d be a damn fine recruiter for finding quality drinking buddies for people. Like they say- “it takes one to know one”. Love the job-sharing idea too.

Now taking job orders...

It’s good to be the [future] King!

I keep reading in the news about Prince Williams’ helicopter landing in his girlfriend’s backyard and the amount of sleep some people appear to be losing. What’s the big deal?

I was once a keen heterosexual young bloke (of which some I still am) and the first thing I would do after getting new wheels was to swing by my girlfriend’s to impress her socks off, and if lucky gain some quality time.

And really, the guy will be King- it's his military. Would you complain if Sir Richard Branson landed one of his planes on his private landing strip? I think not.

A King is King is King…

I think I may be a Victim!

Police in Congo recently arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises. Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

Kinshasa's Police Chief said: “when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent.

That made me think that perhaps I’ve been ‘affected’ too. Everyday I receive emails from strangers who tell me that I need a penis enlargement. I don’t know who they are or how they know, but I suspect something must have happened in that Sydney cab in November last year.

Considering the residents’ cash extortion theory quoted above, touching someone penis may no longer be a case of sexual harassment but rather a shrewd direct marketing strategy?!? Who knew?

Buying a new Mobile Phone- Strike 1

After a long and frustrating battle with a mobile phone which I suspect is possessed by a drunken demon, I decided to purchase a new one. I went down to my local Vodafone store where I was greeted by a young and quite spunky sales assistant with a make-up job I have not experienced since my days of hanging out at various drag-show clubs in Florida.

She was quite polite, although I struggled to understand her due to her very recent second(!) tongue piercing which she proudly showed me. When all the ‘formalities’ were concluded she suggested that we should move on to the real reason I was there, to purchase a new phone.

So the first and very obvious question from an up-and-coming mobile phone sales expert was “what kind of phone you want and what do you want it to do?” I was quite startled by the “what do you want it to do” part of the question, and as a person with a deep appreciation for sarcasm and smartarse remarks, I could instantly feel the sensation of a million possible replies surfing on my now giant brain waves- it was just a bit too easy though.

So I simply told her that I was interested in a phone I could make phone calls on. Silence. I can’t remember the last time I’ve received such an empty stare and I could quite clearly see how the silence was making her uneasy, but really, as far as I was concerned it was her turn to speak.

She finally composed herself, fixed one of her fake eye-lashes and pointed to a new Nokia. “This one has a 5 megapixel camera, bluetooth, mp3 and mp4 player, TV and FM tuner, a GPS and 18 pre-installed games”. Since she hadn’t told me whether this Nokia ‘phone’ had the particular feature so important to me, I saw no other choice but to ask her whether I could make phone calls on it.

This question was obviously too much for her (perhaps she didn’t know the answer) so she asked me to leave the store and informed me as-a-matter-of-fact that “she didn’t get paid enough to deal with assholes like me”. I left.

Whether the new Nokia could make phone calls, I guess I’ll never know. I still have my old drunken demon phone.

Demanding Taxpayers

During an interview with the Today show, Australia’s recently elected PM Kevin Rudd, said: “we are under huge pressure to implement our election promises.”

Oh no- say it ain’t so!

Want Premier League tickets for free? Develop a drug habit!

In today’s edition of the Daily Mail newspaper in UK there is an article on a very unorthodox approach to fighting drugs whilst filling the local soccer stadium- free tickets to Premier League football matches are being handed to drug addicts as an incentive to beat their habit.

I seriously had to look at the date to ensure it was not another April fool’s joke, but nope, there it was, 17 April 2008.

The article described how repeat offenders seeking treatment for their alcohol and drug addictions had gained sought-after tickets to games including this weekend's Newcastle United vs Sunderland derby clash.

A former chief superintendent of Durham Police, was quoted saying: "We have to try to get people back into mainstream society; give them the confidence to mix again with ordinary people. Giving them a ticket to a football match is a way in which they can be reintegrated and in which they can build up confidence in themselves, which can only be a good thing."

The article further explained that the tickets are for people who are overcoming their previous chaotic lifestyle, and are part of a range of support measures used to divert people away from substance abuse.

...and what better place to do this than with a non-chaotic, friendly and moderately drinking group of cuddly UK soccer supporters?!? Considering this offer was also extended to alcoholics, wouldn’t hanging out with keen and accomplished drinkers kind of being like pushing the needle further up the vein?

No wonder UK soccer stadiums are experiencing problems with violent and uncivilized behaviours! Perhaps other sports having problems filling their stadiums should take note?!

Teachers and Parents beware

Two weeks ago nine nine-year-olds at a school in the U.S. state of Georgia brought a broken steak knife, handcuffs and electrical tape to school in a plot to injure their teacher. Teachers uncovered the plot which was set to handcuff the teacher, put tape over her mouth and hit her over the head with the paperweight and possibly cut her. The students spent a week planning the attack and planned to carry it out on the day they were caught.

When I went to primary school the teachers’ union had a slogan that read “If you can read this, thank your teacher”. I think an appropriate slogan for the 21st century should probably read something like “If your teacher retires, she should thank her lucky star”.

My two older kids are now 7 and 6 years old. As a parent I am frequently required to apply appropriate punishments to kids, just like any teacher would be. Since I do not permit my kids to retaliate they are probably bottling it all up for later (or when they turn 9).

Don’t think I will be sleeping with an open door in the future.

Same crime, different punishment

A friend of mine recently got caught for speeding on a country road about an hour outside of Sydney. What he did not realise at the time is that it was the Easter holiday and consequently copped double demerits and fees.

There are laws in Australia where the States charge you with double fines and demerits during certain long holidays. When I first arrived in this country it was briefly explained to me as a way to reduce the number of traffic accidents, since more drivers would be on the roads during these particular periods- well perhaps not more drivers, but certainly more drivers travelling longer distances than normal. Fair enough.

To illustrate how this rather unusual law is applied let’s picture the following:
My friend Joe and I leave our houses at 11pm heading down to the coast to celebrate Christmas. Since I live 5 minutes further away, Joe should in theory arrive 5 minutes before me. At midnight that same evening, the ‘long weekend’ starts and the double demerits and double fees scheme comes into effect.

Joe who is keen to get there puts his foot down just a bit too much and is caught doing 14 kilometres over the speed-limit at 11.57pm. He subsequently loses 3 points off his licence and receives a $79 fine.

Only 5 minutes later at 12.02am I pass the same police radar doing exactly the same speed as Joe was, only now the ‘long weekend’ rules apply. Consequently I lose 6 points and receive a $158 fine! Same crime, different punishment!

Although I personally don’t like to use the word ‘discrimination’, one can wonder whether it wouldn’t be appropriate in this instance. Why should one be punished harder for speeding one day but not the other? I recently read that shoplifting increases by over 1,000 per cent during the month of December, however, I do not believe the punishment for shoplifting is any more severe then than, for example, during the month of August.

Where is the logic?

Tibet 'supporters' using the Olympics for selfish gains

How can these so called Tibet supporters sleep well at night? I try very hard to understand the philosophy behind trying to disrupt the only real world peace event this planet can muster. Although there have been a few occasions in the Olympic's 102 year old history where politics has shown its ugly face, generally speaking the event produces some of the most moving scenes of athletes battling it out on equal terms, completely obliterate to the political mayhem of the world.

I would like to emphasize "equal terms" as it is really what the Olympics is all about- being non-discriminatory. On the day of competing it doesn't matter what country you're from, nor your colour, race or religion, or which country your home country may or may not be at war with- it's all about the best athlete (and of course in some cases, as with Steven Bradbury, the luckiest athlete)!!!

The Olympics is an event where nations and athletes come together to compete in good spirit and celebrate human achievements. To use this as a tool for own political gains is a complete and utter disgrace, and rather than raising a debate whether to boycott the Beijing Olympics, perhaps the topic of debate should be whether to disallow Tibet to participate.

The latter does, however, punish the athletes which is a very unfortunate outcome we should avoid at all cost. I do not condone the alleged breaches of human rights by China, but I don't believe the recent approach taken by these 'supporters' should be hailed as anything but a distasteful and reckless stunt.

I would also like to point out that it would appear that the majority of the people inhabiting this planet are very excited about getting a glimpse of the Olympic flame as it passes through their countries, and that for the very reasons as previously mentioned. So who, I ask, granted these 'supporters' the right to attack this symbol of peace?!

The flame will pass by here in Canberra in the very near future and I look forward to taking my kids to see it and fill them with the values and spirit in which we hold the Olympics.

New recruiter in town

Watch out good people 'cause there is a new recruitment and consulting firm about be launched in ACT. The idea has been bubbling under the surface for quite some time and when the planets finally lined up we made the decision to go ahead with it. The consequence of this is of course that we've now postponed our move to the Middle East, however, we are confident that this is the right move.

Watch this space as I will post further updates as they come available.

A New Year...

A Happy New Year to all of you out there. 2008 has started in a spectacular fashion and I can't wait to find out what's around the corner. I expect that this will truly be a year of opportunities and changes.

Enjoy it!!