Monday 28 September 2009

A well planned retirement


Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up, so the Zoo

Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day - for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name...

Thursday 11 June 2009

Objectophilia – Rhino Style


Jango the Rhino, a resident at the Schoenbrunn Zoo in Vienna, openly displayed his love for a car last week. The car, which is part of an art expo and located in a pond at the zoo, received some tender and caring attention from the apparently love crank horned animal.

I wasn’t long, howver, before Jango got carried away and started humping the red defenless vehicle. One can only speculate what the offspring will look like.

Now, I shouldn’t go on critizing the poor creature- I get similar feelings when seeing an Aston Martin.

Thursday 28 May 2009

Even I like the Chinese at times

A man in southern China has been taken into police custody after pushing a would-be suicide jumper off a bridge frequented by people threatening to end their lives.
Lai Jiansheng was detained by police for pushing a man named Chen off the bridge in Guangzhou city that has been the site of 12 suicide attempts since the beginning of April.

None of the suicide attempts have been successful, but traffic over the bridge has been jammed for hours during each attempt as police sought to talk the people out of ending their lives.

Upset with the traffic delay, Lai broke through the police cordon on the bridge, walked up to Chen and shook his hand before pushing him off the bridge. "I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their actions violate a lot of public interests," Lai was quoted saying.

Police said that with each suicide attempt, the city had to send police, firemen, rescue vessels and an ambulance.

I have a feeling there will be a significant decrease in jumpers from this bridge!

Friday 24 April 2009

Ladies- The perfect gift to a man that won’t even cost you a cent

A woman in North Carolina decided to give her husband something different for his 40th birthday. She states that she struggled for some time to come up with something special, but one day whilst participating in a bible study group, she got the ingenious idea.

She promised her husband sex every night for a whole year! I’m sure I speak for the majority of married men when I say that this is truly the ultimate present. The response “it’s just what I always wanted” springs to mind when thinking about an appropriate thing to say when thanking for such a gift.

Not only the ultimate gift, but also ideal for those on a [financial] budget. Perhaps something to consider given the global economic climate?!

Can we also give special thanks to God for giving her the ‘inspiration’. Perhaps the old man upstairs is finally giving us married men a break!

Friday 17 April 2009

How do they know?

I keep getting emails containing information about how I can please my girlfriend twice as much and twice as long, along with ways for me to stay harder longer.

How do they know? I have a girlfriend?!?

A potential solution for a stressful life

Yesterday I ran into my former boss who was clearly stressed and looked like the world was resting on his shoulders. I asked about work and family to which he replied:

“I’m submitting a motion to Parliament proposing 30 hour days. Don’t know how else to get everything done”

What a great idea!

Tuesday 7 April 2009

It made me giggle!

The other day I was having a chat on FB with a friend I haven’t seen for years. At one time we were very close and I can recall our parents and many friends commenting that they thought it odd us being so close without actually dating.

We began talking about the ‘good old days’ and after a few ‘truths’ we suddenly discovered that we both had mad crushes on each other at the time. When we reached the inevitable question as to why we didn’t say anything to each other or act on our feelings, it all got a bit awkward and embarrassing- I always thought I was one of the cool kids!

To realise how far off the mark I was some 22 years later was both disturbing and amusing all wrapped up in one! Couldn’t help laughing at it though.

Just can’t help it!

I’m usually good at walking away or tuning out when someone in my presence is a complete wanker- I simply don’t have the time and energy to deal with such people, or better yet, I choose not to deal with them.

It saddens and frustrates me when I find myself overcome with a burning desire to contribute to orthopaedic case studies by rearranging someone’s anatomy!

The guy didn’t even know how close he came to being ‘famous’...what a shit day!

Monday 30 March 2009

Flying Buffalo – A new species

The other day at the office we were talking about pub food and I mentioned that I really miss the US Buffalo Wings.

One of our employees looked at me with a bit of hesitation and said- “I never realised there were buffalos with wings”!

Nor did I!

Friday 20 March 2009

Dispute Between Neighbours - a true story!

A town councillor in Wales , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and built a new home. The new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to make sure they enforced the roof line height.


The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to investigate.


When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found...
The Local Authority said the vents can stay since there is no planning law referring to shutter design.

Monday 16 March 2009

Who’s getting old?

My mom and her husband (Jan) from Sweden are visiting us for a few weeks. Kids are having a ball and Mom and Jan are really enjoying the kids too.

I have discovered that we’ve all gotten a bit older in our own ways, and as for my mom it’s all about noise and having people around her.

The other day she commented that the house was so loud and that there were a lot of shouting. I quickly reminded her that it wasn’t that long ago when I used to come and visit their house on some weekends and complain that it was loud and that everyone was shouting. She said “hmm, you’re right” and left it at that.

She also found it frustrating that people were coming in and out of the house visiting without them/us having planned for it or known about it in advance. Again, I reminded her that as kids we all simply barged into friends’ houses and started playing. My mom nodded and went silent again.

I have also discovered that I’m getting older and in some areas just like my parents.
When I as a kid asked my mom what she wanted for Christmas or for her birthday, she used to say “Good kids”. I always found that a stupid answer and considered my mom a bit of a drag for wishing that.

The sad part is that when my kids asked me what I wanted for my birthday a few weeks back I said exactly that- good kids!

What’s even sadder is that I got an iron for Christmas...and was happy about it!

Friday 13 March 2009

The Heaviest Element

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, *Governmentium* (symbol=Gv), has one*neutron*, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called *morons*, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called *peons*. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a *reorganization* in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming *isodopes*. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as *critical morass*.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes *Administratium* (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Saturday 7 March 2009

Elevator Aggression

Walked up to an elevator yesterday and pressed the button.

A clearly stressed woman approached, gave me a forced smile and proceeded to press the button [despite me having done so already], not once, but repeatedly over and over!
She kept pressing it with overly loud and irritating sighs, which for some reason made me annoyed and I subsequently opened my big mouth:

- You know sweetheart, the elevator doesn’t get here faster just ‘cause you keep pressing the damn button.
- Asshole!
- [Bitch]

Tuesday 24 February 2009

35th birthday - I could be at my prime!

So I finally reached the milestone of turning 35 years old. Some say that 70 is a lifetime which would make reaching 35 the first step toward the last half of your life, or as somebody so elegantly put it- “closer to wearing diapers rather than further from having worn them”.

What a miserable thought! So much so that I imagined my hairline instantly moving up just that little bit further whilst my sideburns were turning slightly grey!

Have no fear, being a ‘glass half-full’ kinda’ person I decided to find something positive about turning 35, and it instantly hit me:
If 70 is a lifetime and 35 subsequently being right smack in the middle of your life, then I’m neither too old nor too young- I’m simply in my prime! You could say ‘just right’! And, that my friends, is the story I’m sticking with!!!

So thanks to all of you who so kindly pointed out that it’s “all downhill from here” and that I am now "old enough to play in the Masters’ tournament".

Friday 20 February 2009

Toaster Terrorist

The other morning while getting dressed for work I hear my eldest daughter yell from the kitchen:
“Dad, can you put plastic in the toaster?”
In my normal fatherly fashion I answered – “of course not, dummy!”

I just assumed that she and he brother were having one of their usual arguments about the world and what works or not, etc, so I didn’t think any more of it.

Three minutes later as I enter the kitchen, which had a burnt smell to it, I discovered tongs, a knife, a wooden spoon, small pieces of cheese and a bunch of napkins right next to the toaster.
Intrigued I looked inside the toaster and discovered that it was completely covered with melted cheese.

My daughter, in her infinite yet practical wisdom, decided that the quickest way to get melted cheese for her sandwich must be to put pre-sliced cheese directly into the toaster (I admit, it worked!)- at least she had removed the plastic.

Needless to say, it didn’t exactly work out as she had planned, so she immediately launched into ‘disaster cover-up mode’ and attempted to remove the melted cheese from inside the toaster, hence the tools and other objects.

Well, as you can understand that didn’t quite work either, so she resorted to her secret and most powerful weapon – “I love you dad” followed by a kiss!

Did I get angry?!? Yep, at myself for not being able to stay angry with my daughter following her cheap trick!

Thursday 19 February 2009

Regulations Gone Mad

A No Kissing sign was unveiled at Warrington Bank Quay railway station in Warrington, England, Monday in a bid to cut delays.

The sign has been placed at the drop-off point, because departing passengers and drivers block access to the station with their vehicles while saying goodbye to each other.

Virgin Rail says that if passengers want to share an embrace before they part company, they should pay to park their cars nearby where they can kiss all they want.

Wednesday 18 February 2009

Definition of my sense of humour


Funny Recruitment Ad

It’s a terrible thing to make fun of the competition, but today our administrator came across an ad that had as us all in stitches. The ad is for an Executive Assistant for a Government Branch Head (Assistant Secretary). My favourite part of the ad is:

The Assistant Secretary is extremely busy and will require someone who is flexible in the role. For example, the role will require someone who is comfortable getting the Assistant Secretary's lunch, otherwise, they probably would not have anything to eat. If you would be comfortable with this then please read on.

Tuesday 17 February 2009

Pepsi or Cow’s urine?

A hardline Hindu organization, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine.

The bovine beverage is currently undergoing laboratory tests but no specific release dates have been confirmed as of yet. The flavour is not yet known, but the producing organisation said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer.

A spokesperson for the organisation stated that "cow urine offers a cure for around 70 to 80 incurable diseases like diabetes”. He further stated that they had not decided on a name or a price for the drink, and that although the drink will initially only be sold nationwide, he did not rule out international success.

Perhaps ‘Muh Juice’ will finally have a literal meaning. Will they make a diet version?

Monday 9 February 2009

Communication Facilities Overkill


During this weekend’s multicultural festival in Canberra I ran into a guy I haven’t seen for 3 years. After a short conversation (courtesy of my restless son) we decided catch up for a beer in the near future. I entered his number on my mobile phone after which he pulled out a piece of paper which started to write something on.

When he was done he pointed to the paper and said:

“If you can’t get me on the mobile, just email me at work, and if I don’t return your email, just email me at home. I sometimes don’t check my emails so you can always try me on Facebook, or LinkedIn...actually you can try me on MySpace too if easier...”.

Have a feeling it will take awhile to get a hold of him

Swenglish, or Svengelska – det nya språket (the new language)

After having been abroad for 16+ years it is evident that my native language is starting to take a bit of a beating. Words that never existed in the Swedish language (or did they?) has emerged to form part of my daily vocabulary.

On a few occasions I’ve received some less than flattering comments regarding my ‘new’ Swedish words, which I normally brush off with a laugh as I realise my mistake. A couple of times, however, I’ve been so convinced that I was right that I actually had to look them up. So far: them, 8 – me, 1. Clearly I’m losing this battle.

So let me highlight a few of these ‘new’ words that to me seem to be perfectly good Swedish:

Limiterad - begränsad
Intrigeradär inte helt säker vad det heter på svenska
Länkatkopplat..ja, eller vad säger man när man har lagt en hyperlink?
Printaskriva ut (har förstått att detta ord används mycket i sverige numera)
[Pris] kvoteringheter ju offert
Rekvirabehöver. Kommer från ‘require’
Bidda - bjuda, som pa auktion
Vankare eller Tossaredönicke får man väl saga. Kommer från ‘wanker’ och ‘tosser’

Sorgligt nog så är dessa bara början!

Tuesday 27 January 2009

Now I know

I have received confirmation from relevant 'authority' in relation to my blog posted 20 January 2009 - "The Virgin Mary can't be hot".

Feel so much better knowing.

Smart-ass remark?

Since childhood I’ve struggled to shut my mouth when observing someone doing something stupid. Can’t say much has changed.

The other night around 11pm I passed by a clothing store where I spotted two women borderline climbing and staring through the shop window talking about that they’d like to try on that dress and that blouse...

Couldn’t help myself, so I walked over to point out the obvious – “I’m sorry ladies but they’re closed”.

Not sure why they got so upset.

All Arabs and Muslims aren’t evil- despite what TV says

My sister keeps having fun at our Mom’s expense by being upset about her dating, or at least claiming to date, Muslims or Arabs, which to our Mom is exactly the same thing.

As my sister pointed out on her blog (Sun 25/1/09), dating a Muslim/Arab is apparently dangerous- at least according to TV and movies, which according to many small-town Swedish people, is always a true reflection of how the world really works.

Can you imagine her horror when I, 10 years ago, called her from an island in the Caribbean to tell her I was marrying a Lebanese?!?

All worked out good, and I love my Mom, but a little less reliance in western media would go a long way. They’re not all evil!

Wednesday 21 January 2009

Great Moments in Presidential Speeches

Watched Barack Obama’s inauguration speech, which really wasn’t bad at all.
What really got me was his message to all religious and political leaders (the fanatic ones):

Remember- your people will judge you by what you can build, not what you destroy”

I hope this goes down in history as a well quoted line.

Tuesday 20 January 2009

Did you know..?

In Peru you can’t get fired for being drunk at work. The country’s High Court said so!

The Stig revealed

Say it ain’t so!? Why would anyone in their right mind do such a thing? The whole point with the Stig is not knowing who he is!

So now some idiot wanna-be big-shot reporter at a small town paper wants to make a name for himself by pissing off the vast majority of motoring world.

I am sure there is a law in some country somewhere, where they apply severe punishments for such idiocy- let’s all chip in and buy this wanker a one-way ticket to this country!

A Hot Saint?

A prominent fashion designer has sparked outrage in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary - in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts.

The Roman Catholic Church condemned Ricardo Oyarzun's plans for a show featuring the models, and a conservative group tried unsuccessfully to block it in court. Oyarzun said he had received telephone threats and had excrement smeared on his doorstep.
"There is no pornography here, there's no sex, there are no virgins menstruating or feeling each other up," Oyarzun said ahead of the catwalk show set to be held at a Santiago nightclub later on Thursday. "This is artistic expression."

He said his designs - which include halos, look as though they come from a nativity scene and include religious icons - were inspired by the Virgin Mary but not intended to represent her.

Even it was meant to be the Virgin Mary- why couldn’t she be hot? I’m sure Joseph wouldn’t mind!

The little things that annoy me

Email to local book store:

Hi, Do you have the following book in stock?
Brethren Trilogy 2: Crusade by Robyn Young. ISBN 9780340839744

Regards,
Patrik Nilsson
[phone number]


The response:

Good morning Patrik,
No I'm sorry we don't have it in stock but I can order it in for you, its distributed through one of my bigger suppliers and they have it in stock so it would take about a 7-10 days and costs $19.99. If you'd like to order it email us with your full name and your best day time contact number or call us on [phone number].
Thanks for your inquiry.

[name]
Assistant Manager


How silly of me to forget to include my middle name and country code!

Friday 16 January 2009

Prioritising News Stories a la Western Media

This morning’s news on TV started with a 30 second story of how Gaza is being bombed to bits and how Israel even managed to blow up the critical food supplies provided by UN, all accompanied by some really horrifying footage. The news reader covered this story in a cold matter-of-fact kind of way which made it sound like the story was more routine for her rather than news.

The Gaza story was immediately followed by what the news reader at one stage referred to as “really terrifying”- a plane in US had to make an emergency landing on the Hudson river. The tone of her voice was now serious and she was evidently moved as commented on “those poor 136 passengers who were forced to stand on the wings in minus 6 degrees waiting for rescue”.

Western media have certainly got their priorities right

Saturday 10 January 2009

Caught in a Vicious Circle

- Decisions can be hard to make.
- What can be even harder is to make a decision to make a decision.
- Making a decision to make a decision to make a decision isn’t quite as hard but it’s certainly more complicated.
- Making a decision to....well, you get the picture.

Monday 5 January 2009

Holiday needed after holiday

Had a great holiday with a jam-packed schedule (although the actual ‘planning’ was very ad lib) from morning til bedtime. Kids had a ball, as did I and all other family members and friends- a good result in other words.

The trouble is that I am now more tired than I was before the holidays, and I was pretty exhausted back then. Not sure why people always cram in so many activities during the days when they really need a bit of rest!?

Another case of the old cliché “I need a holiday to recover from my holiday”.